Heartless and unfeeling.

These are two traits with which I am quite commonly associated. People who do not know me very well are often surprised to see me cry. People who have known me longer have seen me cry too many times to keep count. Towards people I, frankly, am not close enough to for me to care much about, I can indeed seem impassive. Towards people who crave attention, I can seem even more impassive, although I do find I occasionally humor people who have managed to grow on me. The times I act dodgy or even stoic have been many, although the emotions are, contrary to popular belief, not quite lost. I just cannot be bothered to join the ranks of those who choose to display them.

I do not believe in love at first sight. I put real trust, the entire world considered, in less than half a dozen people. I firmly believe that no one can trust even themselves, because just as we are capable of lying to those around us, we are likewise capable of living lies and becoming blind to them. I trust that logic in certain situations, while possibly the correct choice overall, is not the best. I will stick up for those I love, no matter which side is right. I may be illogical at times, bit I am often inconveniently practical. I say “inconveniently” because it is this same practicality that, while keeping me out of trouble at the best of times, keeps me as well, from doing several things I would like to attempt; however, I shall be kind and spare you details.

Now, I have been labeled heartless as I, unlike a number of my friends, am rarely moved, outside of fiction, by sweet words, and I tend to laugh at people who go and fall in love, however stupid I may sound right now. I think of it as silly, really, how people do that in real life. How does one know who to fall for? I realize it may not be something one normally has a say in, but tell me, why fall in love at all? I would hate to fall in love. It gets in your head, messes with your mind, and turns it to mush, and what then? When the so-called “magic” is gone, do you wake from that dream and find you are in some sort of plight wherein you finally realize you have gone and wasted your time on something that may, or may not, have been worth your while? Are you happy then? From love unavoidably comes pain. I plan to adopt children one day. Only then do I plan to allow myself to suffer from love. Am I heartless and unfeeling? Possibly. But I shed less tears.

To my friends who strongly disagree with me (that would actually be all of them), I am not trying to scorn you. To the people who matter and know who they are, you know me well enough not to take me seriously. Even I forget to take me seriously. *insert perky smiley emoticon and a wink*

Ignorant and sheltered.

…I have no arguments. None, in fact, I wholeheartedly agree. This stands until I reach college, I suspect. Perhaps I shall keep you posted? We shall see.

Forgetful and forgettable.

I will skip inferiority and esteem issues. Or perhaps you will see it here. In any case, if I hit on it, know that it was entirely indirect and unintentional.

Ask Carissa Daez to tell you about my being forgetful. I had something else to say here, but I cannot remember it anymore. At this rate, I will probably have Alzheimer s by age thirty.

No, I am not kidding, I really do not remember it anymore. See? What did I tell you?

Forgettable. All of us are forgettable to some extent. Some more than others, but in the end, if anything, we will all be nothing but memories, at the very most. I suppose this is where I ought to insert something along the lines of “live life to the fullest” or “make each and every day worth it.” Only, I cannot. Or rather, I will not. That would be hypocrisy on my part. It is not easy, living life as stated above. Not unless you have been doing it all your life. That kind of thing takes courage, and, well, habit. If you have neither, you become part of the scenery. If you are nothing special, and you stop trying to stand out, dead or alive, you cease to matter. Nobody really cares. There is too much else in this world to care about. Something I am told almost every day of my life is that the world likes it when other people fail. It means they have one less competitor to worry their pretty little heads over.

Failure does not surprise me anymore. I am not about to welcome it with open arms, but I have stopped feeling defeated. What is sad about that is, I have also lost that need to strive to achieve greatness or whatnot. Through this acquired apathy towards yours truly, I have subconsciously managed to make the world feel about me, the same way I feel about myself. I cannot say the thought of it fails to stab and twist, like a knife through the gut. It does. But I have brought it on myself. So I cannot complain. Or I will not complain. Or I shall not try and fix what damage I have caused. What is it? If I knew the answer, this would not have taken two paragraphs.

All I know is, when everyone forgets to remember me, perhaps early acceptance will save me the trouble of wondering. I am not often right. Perhaps I am this time. Or not. I shall make a mental note to check on myself in time. Twenty, perhaps. Or ten. Three? We shall see.

Saturday, July 01, 2006
Katrinized.